I can’t believe that you are coming into this world in less than two months. I feel so incredibly lucky, yet terrified that you have chosen me to be your mom.
In the short amount of time that we’ve been together, I’ve really been reflecting on my own fears about the potential limitations my condition will bring, and I need you to know that I am afraid that I will not live up to my own expectations for the kind of mom I want to be and feel like you deserve. I know that there will be times that I will not have the physical strength to do the things you want us to do together. I also know that this will be difficult for you to understand and for me to explain. And for that, I am so sorry. But, even though I know that scoliosis will mean I have some limitations, and it will be hard for both of us, I want to make some promises to you that I vow to keep:
I promise that I will let you try to experience all the things you want. I am an overprotective person by nature and every little scratch you endure will probably kill me inside, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to do what you want to do. I want you to live your life. To try new things. To take the chances you feel comfortable taking, and I promise to stand back and let you do it.
I promise to not overreact to every mistake you make. Life is full of mistakes. I’ve made so many myself. They are each a learning opportunity, no matter how small they are, and I promise that I will let you make your own mistakes, just like I promise I will be there to guide you through it if you need me.
I also promise to be honest with you. When you need to know the truth about something, I want to be the one that tells you. I want you to hear it from me.
There will be days that you can’t stand me, just like there will be days you can’t get enough of me, but either way, I promise to try to see and understand whatever you may be going through from your perspective.
I promise to be proud of the person you become, whoever that may be. And through it all, I promise that I will celebrate what makes you unique and special. I promise that throughout your life, I will be your number one cheerleader.
I promise that I will be playful and active. I may not be the first to play catch with you, but I promise that we will have water balloon fights, because I used to love them, go for hikes in the woods and pretend we are on some cool adventure, and when we’re all tired and ready to go to bed we will camp under the stars. I promise there will definitely be s’mores involved. You will have beach time, skiing, and sailing in your life. I may not be the one teaching you, but I promise to be there and to do it with you.
Most importantly, my dear baby Lukas, I promise to love you every single day. I’ll love you through it all. I promise that you will never question my love. You will feel it through my actions and my words; I will show it and say it to you every single day. I promise that through all the years we may share together, through the ups and downs that life brings, through mistakes and heartbreaks, my love will always be there. It will be the one constant in your life. Today and always.
I can’t wait to meet you.